Saturday, August 27, 2011

The French Foreign Legion in Yerbouti

WACCA JAWACCA:  We are receiving unsubstantiated reports that elements of the French Foreign Legion are patroling areas of Yerbouti unsupported by either Yerbouti's officer candidate or recruit trainees.  Neither FFL representatives nor the CDFY will comment on these reports.  Where they are operating - if they are operating - and what they are doing no one knows.

His Excellency, President-for-Life P'hat Daddee B'wonah of Bongolesia expressed concern that France was trying to reestablish dominion over our fair country, referring to the French Legionaires as "possible hooligan mercenaries".  While we appreciate His Excellency's concern, Colonel Gnu Gobangbang, interim chief of the Combined Defense Forces, assured us that Yerbouti has a very strict understanding with France regarding the deployment of the Foreign Legion to our pristine land.  In fact, they have already dealt with some of the foreign military intervention which was not invited to Yerbouti following the civil war.  "And if [the Foreign Legion doesn't] leave when it's time to go, we will throw them out, too," he added, sending a stern warning to our French partners. 

Apparently having the Foreign Legion on the prowl has quieted things down a bit in the outlying regions and there has been no more food thievery recently.  On the other hand, the restoration of peace and quiet hasn't helped the economic situation, with the pokah t'ship having dropped to 1/4 of an American cent and holding.  However, with the decline of the pokah t'ship, negotiations with Kathy Lee Gifford to establish a sweatshop to produce her fashion line in the capital, Wacca Jawacca, were brought to a successful conclusion and work will soon begin on construction of the factory and training of the workers.  Details of the plan were leaked and indicate that the common workers will be paid 2 t'ships a day, with a bonus for those who exceed quotas on a regular basis - giving the lucky few who will be hired there double the annual income of the average Yerboutian laborer.

Yerboutians everywhere are gearing up for the first national elections in . . . so long that we don't know when they were last held.  In the frontier village of Fruta Dalume, Mag'wannah responded with "What are elections?" when asked if he was excited by the upcoming event, which will be accompanied by a national holiday.  Camilla asked "What is a holiday?"  At last count there were at least eight political parties registered with the election commission, and the Carter Center was contracted to oversee the balloting, thus ensuring fairness for all.

Coming at you from Wacca Jawacca, this has been another installment of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?'.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Will Yerbouti Be Exploited?

WACCA JAWACCA:  In breaking news, Colonel Gnu Gobangbang, interim chief of the Combined Defense Forces of Yerbouti has released photographs of officer candidates on patrol with their French Foreign Legion trainers.  Spirits are high as they trudge through the sands of the desert, grasses of the savannah and forest of the forest helping to secure their country and countrymen from the recent wave of violence that has threatened Yerbouti, and learning on the job at the same time. 

The neat lines of the patrol strung out in the desert waste.

Two of our officer candidates on patrol.

"The men of the CDF are excited to do exercises while contributing to the overall security of their homeland," explained Major Claude Roquefort, commander of the FFL troops in Yerbouti.  "And I even believe they would fight if they had to," he added hopefully.  "Of course they would fight," Interim President General Robert Aygotcha interjected.  "If they don't, the sissy girlie-men will not like the consequences.  Death in battle would be preferable."

In other news, Ai'tok U'lisn, Yerbouti's Foreign Minister, revealed that the government has entered into negotiations with the United States and Great Britain for a geologic survey team to explore Yerbouti for any mineral wealth that might be used to boost its economy.  The team is expected to begin its survey in the next several months.  A foreign scientist involved in the negotiations confided, "If we can find a way to exploit Yerbouti, we will."

This has been another update from "What's Happening in Yerbouti?" coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Another Mixed Week for Yerbouti

WACCA JAWACCA - With the exception of a couple of incidents this week, quiet has once again fallen over our pristine country.  In the north, gunmen are becoming more brazen in their attempts to get to food supplies.  A repeat of the previous daylight heist of food stores occurred this week along with a failed attempt to hijack a UN convoy.  The convoy was unguarded, but the gunmen were obviously beginners and simply stopped the convoy on the road rather than building a barricade to block it.  When he realized what was happening, the convoy master simply sped away from the gunmen followed by his trucks of food.  Interim President General Aygotcha was so angered by this brazenness he almost spluttered when he threatened, "Just wait until my army is once again trained and up to top notch performance.  Then we will see who gets the beans around here!"  The military commander of the UN peacekeeping force stated that perhaps his forces should occasionally accompany the food convoys for safekeeping.

We have received information this week that the CDF's Foreign Legion trainers have begun taking their trainees on patrols in the countryside to teach them real world operations and tactics.  Are these strictly training missions?  Or are they a preemptive attempt to keep control of Yerbouti's peacefulness?

With the rise in food thievery and the attendant threat of violence, Finance Minister Shomy da'Muny sadly announced that the pokah t'ship, Yerbouti's official currency, has dropped to 3/8 of an American cent in international trading.  "Now we won't be able to buy so much," he solemnly informed his countrymen.

There is good news just around the corner, however.  Trade Minister Maik'n S'toff announced today that the government is in talks with Kathy Lee Gifford to open a sweat shop in Yerbouti's capital, Wacca Jawacca.  "Soon we will have many good jobs for our people," Minister S'toff proudly told the audience.  "It will be the first factory of its kind in Yerbouti.  Or of any kind, for that matter." 

Ms. Gifford speaking with our reporter in New York City

When we caught up with Kathy Lee, she told us, "When I heard how poor the people of Yerbouti were, I knew that I had to do something to help just like I helped the people of Honduras.  And Yerbouti is even less expensive than Central America!"

This has been another enlightening installment of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?'  coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Trouble Brewing in Yerbouti

ARADIB BOOBOO:  Yerbouti was shaken Wednesday by an earthquake.  Centered in the Sultanate of Ifat, the 6.57 earthquake could be felt for quite a distance.  Here in Aradib Booboo, located 250 kilometers east of the capital Wacca Jawacca, resident M'gari said, "Earthquake?  We thought it was from eating the chicken gombo leftover from the community dinner last night."  The locals were relieved to learn it wasn't the chicken gombo leftovers.  We wish the best for our friends in Ifat.  Perhaps they would like some leftover chicken gombo.

In Wacca Jawacca, this week Interim President General Robert Aygotcha announced that elections would be held in early September.  The elections will include the presidency and all fifty seats, currently vacant, in the House of Government, Yerbouti's parliament.  The fifty seats cover Yerbouti's twenty-one governmental regions, with two or three representatives per region.  General Aygotcha also announced that he will not run for any position, president or otherwise, in the elections, and that he is looking forward to returning to his rightful position as big kahuna of the CDF. 

Hezeb al-Neby quickly declared its intention to field candidates for the elections on a platform of creating an Islamic state and instituting Sharia. A number of other parties likewise declared their intention to field candidates as well, each with their own pet platforms.   Other parties are in the process of forming and still have three weeks to declare before the ballots are finalized.  Interim President Aygotcha demanded of any parties desiring to enter the election that there will be no monkey business and promised "or else!".  He has also arranged for the Carter Center to observe the elections to ensure fairness and accuracy, an important consideration since many of the political parties are forming militas to back up their platforms.

In a masterful coup of journalistic reporting, 'WHiY?' has managed to discover who is responsible for training the officer candidates and recruits for the CDFY at Fort Don'wannagohdeh.  While working on another story, our reporter was able to surreptitiously snap this picture of a trooper from the French Foreign Legion conducting an exercise with Yerboutian trainees. 

A Legionnaire training Yerbouti's officer candidates

We knew it had to be an outside source training the CDF but could not have guessed who.  We have not seen the Foreign Legion in Yerbouti for many, many years but we are glad to see them here again, training our soldiers.  We know they will provide good solid training that will stand the CDF in good stead for years to come.  As long as we have good solid men to be trained.  Then again, the training might not last so long after all.

Elsewhere, we have recently begun hearing stories of food thievery in outlying villages.  At first, it was men sneaking into villages at night to try to pilfer a bag of rice or beans here and there.  But in the most recent incident reported to us, a truck with armed men drove into a desert village in broad daylight and took most of the food stores that the UN humanitarian mission had supplied to the village.  We find it appalling that such a thing could happen in Yerbouti.  These could only have been mischief makers from the country to the north of us or from Bamabar.  No Yerbouitian would do such a thing to his own people.  Interim President Aygotcha promised immedate action to protect the people of Yerbouti from such thievery as soon as he has a functioning army again.

This has been the latest news from 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?' coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.