No News is Good News

WACCA JAWACCA - At least that's how the saying goes.  But is it true?  We have heard little from the government since the elections.  President Jujubee Shakerattl'n'roll, a tribal medicine man from the southeastern provinces, has taken office and now sits at the head of the most modern government Yerbouti has ever had.  Interim President General Charles Robert Aygotcha has returned to his regular position of Butt-Kicker-in-Chief of the Combined Defense Forces.  Jones Dimpel-T'shad is packing up the election materials and dreading the next national elections in two years.  The people of Yerbouti are waiting for the other shoe to fall. 

The big news is the fall of the Crazy Colonel, H'wakhy K'Dhaffy, in the country to the north.  Although locals are still reporting that they occasionally see him wandering the desert seeking shelter and food in exchange for some little green books, the international rumor is that he was offed by his own people who finally got tired of his shenanigans.  So much for the policy of "dar dar, bait, bait, zenga, zenga."  Yerbouti is expecting much more peaceful relations with the new government now.  Unless another bunch of zanies takes over.

The renovation of Yerbouti's heavy military equipment is complete and made its debut in training manuevers in the desert, doubling as protective patrols.  The World War II-era vehicles were dredged up from the bowels of the fabled Warehouse 51 located at Fort Don'wannagohdeh where they had been mothballed by the French colonial army who knows how long ago.  The equipment was restored to combat readiness with the help of Honest Abdul's General Goods and Military Surplus, located in the Sultanate of Ifat.  General Aygotcha stated that "we appreciate the help of the government of Ifat expediting the exportation of various parts for our military hardware to help us prepare ourselves against enemies foreign and domestic.  So you countries eyeballing our beautiful lands better watch yourselves.  Or else."  Next up, the equipment will be repainted as soon as it returns from maneuvers.

The section sergeant reports in after arriving on station in the

 borderland where the desert meets the savanah.

The early morning patrol gets underway.

Two soldiers depart their armored personnel carrier.



The Kathy Lee Sweatshop Project is running right on schedule and will shortly be ready to open its doors to Yerbouti's workers, producers of high quality goods for export.  The building itself is almost finished and the company is simply awaiting the latest-model sewing machines it ordered from the Democratic People's Republic of Korea and the fabric to get the workers started in production.  Applications are now being taken.  Please apply in person.  Foreigners need not apply.  Finance Minister Shomy da'Muny believes this project and its spin-offs will triple or even quadruple the miserable economy of Yerbouti. 

An example of the modern sewing machines

ordered from the Democratic People's Republic of

Korea.  Picture from an informational brochure.

*** BREAKING NEWS ***

This just in: President Jujubee Shakerattl'n'roll has returned from his retreat to the wilderness where he was seeking a vision of the future of our grand country.  We didn't even know he was gone.  Still in a trance-like state, the president mumbled to our reporter, "The leopard has been killed.  The lemurs are playing in the trees.  The lion will eat the gazelle."  OK.  We're not sure what any of that means, but it's obviously going to be interesting around here for a while.

Coming at you from Wacca Jawacca, it's 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?'.

Election Results Released

That's right - you read it here first!  The results of Yerbouti's first national democratic election has been released by the government.  Jones Dimpel-T'shad, Manager of Election Services is breathing a sigh of relief.  The elections are over and have come off without a hitch, despite the threats from various fringe elements to wreak havoc on the day of the elections.  Interim President General Charles Robert Aygotcha congratulated Mr. Dimpel-T'shad on his success and is looking forward to turning over national authority to the rightful president of Yerbouti in a change of power ceremony in the coming month which will also see the swearing in of the new Parliament.  And now, the long awaited results showing the party, % of popular vote, seats won in Parliament and a reminder of their primary platform:

Colonial Party: 21.26%, 11 seats (seeks a return of French colonization)
Good Juju Party: 22.71%, the winners of the election, 11 seats (seeks the
     leadership and wisdom of Jujubee Shakerattl'n'roll, a tribal medicine man in
     the southeastern provinces)
Hezeb al-Neby: 4.83%, 2 seats (seeks an Islamic state and the Sharia)
Kathy Lee Party: 13.04%, 7 seats (seeks the presidency of Kathy Lee Gifford)
Labor Party: 7.25%, 4 seats (as there will soon be labor in Yerbouti, seeks to jump on the band wagon)
Loyalist Party: 6.76%, 3 seats (seeks to return the pre-Civil War regime to the presidency)
Nationalist Party: 10.14%, 5 seats (seeks to keep General Aygotcha in the presidency)
Tribal Party: 14.01%, 7 seats (seeks the end of governmental authority and the return to tribal leadership)

In the form of a brief analysis, even though the Good Juju Party has a plurality, it does not hold a majority of seats and will have to form coalitions with other parties to accomplish pretty much anything in Parliament.  While they will receive considerable support from the Tribal Party, this support still does not give them a majority and it is commonly supposed that the more established (such as they are) parties will be cautious to combine with them as they are most definitely a regional party focused on their own interests. 

The victory of the Good Juju Party was something of a shock to the national system.  Most analysts considered General Aygotcha a shoo-in, though some foresaw tough competition from Kathy Lee, who, by the way, has not been heard from since her nomination to the presidency although construction of the sweatshop which will be producing her clothing lines for American consumers continues on schedule in the outskirts of the national capitol, Wacca Jawacca.

For his part, General Aygotcha is happy to be returning to his rightful role as Big Daddy of the Yerbouti Combined Defense Forces.  While appreciative of the support of the Nationalist Party, he is more at home with his troops than in the big city of Wacca Jawacca.  "Yerbouti needed a strong man to get them over this hump, but can now revert to civilian authority and the leadership of a crazy man.  Fortunately, I will remain at my post as Head Honcho of the CDF and will be here to pick up the pieces next time as well," our microphones caught General Aygotcha telling his supporters off camera at a post election rally.

When asked for comment the Good Juju responded, "Let the good times roll!"  And good times there are in Yerbouti's future as jobs and trade will begin to flow and the country profits from its global connections. 

In other news, the Sultanate of Ifat has announced that it is sponsoring the training of Bongolesian rebels by a Russian officer.  We sense that this does not bode well for Bongolesia, the Sultanate of Ifat or the rebels!

This is "What's Happening in Yerbouit?" signing off until next time.  Coming at ya from Wacca Jawacca.

Elections Successfully Completed!

Editor's Note: We apologize for the delay in the elections.  It seems that Jones Dimpel-T'shad, Manager of Election Services, was so busy teaching our citizens about democracy that he forgot to ensure that the ballots and ballot boxes were in place.  He received a stern talking to from Interim President Robert Aygotcha.

Aryn al-Ibn Aawa:  The national elections came off without a hitch this week, and without the wholly unexpected violence that usually accompanies these sorts of things in this part of the world. 

The Carter Center agree that it was an unusually successful third-world election.  Robert Kransninski, graduate student in political science at the University of California - Berkeley and Carter Center observer, reported having a wonderful time assisting with the Yerbouti elections.  He described the residents as "polite, friendly and very helpful."  He was especially impressed with the sincerity of the Yerboutians and their desire to hold secure elections.  Robert, who spent the day in the northern village of Aryn al-Ibn Aawa, told us that "Throughout the day, armed men guarded the polling place from danger and even escorted residents to the polls to ensure their safety.  I have never seen anything like it.  Yerbouti is the best!"

Robert was kind enough to snap pictures of the election in

Aryn al-Ibn Aawa for us.  Here, armed men are ensuring the

safety of local residents as they are escorted to the polls. 

We have to agree.  Yerbouti is the best!

The election results are still being tabulated and will not be released for some days.  But locally, we were amazed to learn that Hezeb al-Neby received 100% of the vote here in Aryn al-Ibn Aawa.  The people seem to be of one mind in this remote desert village.

Stay tuned for your election results.  We are all waiting with baited breath.  Who will lead Yerbouti into the future?  We don't know yet.

This has been just one more edition of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?' coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.

Yerbouti National Elections Special Edition

WACCA JAWACCA:  With the Yerbouti national elections coming up at the beginning of September, 'WHiY?' is going to give you the scorecard today so you can decide in advance which party you want to represent you in Parliament and in the presidential hotseat as Interim President General Robert Charles Aygotcha will step down as soon as the elections are concluded to resume his role as high mucka-mucka of the Combined Defense Forces.  In the end, eight political parties were able to get their Petitions to Represent submitted in time for the election deadline. 

The following parties will be on the ballot, along with a brief synopsis of their platform:

*Colonialist Party: Wants to return to being a French colony.
*Good Juju Party: Supports the teachings of a traditional shaman from southeastern Yerbouti.
*Hezeb al-Neby: Wants to make Yerbouti an Islamic state and institute Sharia.
*Kathy Lee Party: So excited that she is opening a sweatshop in Yerbouti that they want her for president.
*Labor Party: There is no labor in Yerbouti.  But since there soon will be they wanted to get an early start on the politics.
*Loyalist Party: Wants to return the former president to office.  If they can find him.  Early in the Civil War, he ran off to Syria with the national treasury of 250,000 pokah t'ships.
*Nationalist Party: Thinks that General Aygotcha is doing an outstanding job as president and wants to keep him as president.
*Tribal Party: Wants the dissolution of modern government and the return of all authority to the tribal elders and shiokh.

In preparation for the elections, Jones Dimpel-T'shad, named the nation's Manager of Election Services a month or so ago, has been frantically working to make sure everything runs smoothly and that Yerbouti has a fair election.  "And it better be fair," General Aygotcha once again warned the parties participating.  "Or else."

Part of Mr. Dimpel-T'shad's job has been to teach the locals about elections and what it means to cast a vote.  In the village of Juuji Frute, Mr. Dimpel-T'shad explains the process to the residents.  "It's very simple," he said.  "All you have to do is put a pencil mark on the paper next to the name of the group that you want to run the country and then fold the paper up and put it in the box."  That does sound very simple.  "Not every one can win, but all of the parties will be represented in Parliament."  Concerned residents made faces indicating their displeasure with that statement.  "We will then collect the boxes, count the ballots, and name the winner after a suitably dramatic amount of time has passed," he concluded.

Mr. Dimpel-T'shad also announced in a special press conference held in Wacca Jawacca that Yerboutian ex-patriots will be eligible to vote in the elections.  All they have to do is watch The Miniatures Page Polls section in the coming week for the ballot and they will be able to vote once their identities have been verified. 

This has been another special edition of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?' coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.

The French Foreign Legion in Yerbouti

WACCA JAWACCA:  We are receiving unsubstantiated reports that elements of the French Foreign Legion are patroling areas of Yerbouti unsupported by either Yerbouti's officer candidate or recruit trainees.  Neither FFL representatives nor the CDFY will comment on these reports.  Where they are operating - if they are operating - and what they are doing no one knows.

His Excellency, President-for-Life P'hat Daddee B'wonah of Bongolesia expressed concern that France was trying to reestablish dominion over our fair country, referring to the French Legionaires as "possible hooligan mercenaries".  While we appreciate His Excellency's concern, Colonel Gnu Gobangbang, interim chief of the Combined Defense Forces, assured us that Yerbouti has a very strict understanding with France regarding the deployment of the Foreign Legion to our pristine land.  In fact, they have already dealt with some of the foreign military intervention which was not invited to Yerbouti following the civil war.  "And if [the Foreign Legion doesn't] leave when it's time to go, we will throw them out, too," he added, sending a stern warning to our French partners. 

Apparently having the Foreign Legion on the prowl has quieted things down a bit in the outlying regions and there has been no more food thievery recently.  On the other hand, the restoration of peace and quiet hasn't helped the economic situation, with the pokah t'ship having dropped to 1/4 of an American cent and holding.  However, with the decline of the pokah t'ship, negotiations with Kathy Lee Gifford to establish a sweatshop to produce her fashion line in the capital, Wacca Jawacca, were brought to a successful conclusion and work will soon begin on construction of the factory and training of the workers.  Details of the plan were leaked and indicate that the common workers will be paid 2 t'ships a day, with a bonus for those who exceed quotas on a regular basis - giving the lucky few who will be hired there double the annual income of the average Yerboutian laborer.

Yerboutians everywhere are gearing up for the first national elections in . . . so long that we don't know when they were last held.  In the frontier village of Fruta Dalume, Mag'wannah responded with "What are elections?" when asked if he was excited by the upcoming event, which will be accompanied by a national holiday.  Camilla asked "What is a holiday?"  At last count there were at least eight political parties registered with the election commission, and the Carter Center was contracted to oversee the balloting, thus ensuring fairness for all.

Coming at you from Wacca Jawacca, this has been another installment of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?'.