WACCA JAWACCA - Everything has been quiet. It has been so quiet, we wondered if we still existed. It's even been quiet in that country to the north, formerly ruled by the Crazy Colonel, H'Wakhy K'Dhaffy. But after weeks of quiet in our pristine country, Yerbouti is quiet no more! Details are still sketchy, but it appears that violence has broken out in various parts of the country, including an attack upon a United Nations convoy carrying food to the good people of our outlying villages. In addition, there have been reports of an explosion in the village of B'm.
In typical knee-jerk reaction, President Jujubee Shakerattl'n'roll made a rare public appearance to demand that the Western countries responsible for this latest round of violence must leave Yerbouti in peace. Main Man of the Armed Forces General Charles Robert Aygotcha just shook his head on hearing of the president's response.
More news as we hear it. Or make it up.
Coming at you from Wacca Jawacca, this was what is 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?'.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
We're Sorry!
We here at WHiY? want to apologize for the delay in updating the latest events in Yerbouti. Our regular correspondent was "detained" by the new government. Something to do with highly irregular postings about the government. And something about inconsistencies in reporting income taxes. We will return to our regular reporting shortly.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
No News is Good News
WACCA JAWACCA - At least that's how the saying goes. But is it true? We have heard little from the government since the elections. President Jujubee Shakerattl'n'roll, a tribal medicine man from the southeastern provinces, has taken office and now sits at the head of the most modern government Yerbouti has ever had. Interim President General Charles Robert Aygotcha has returned to his regular position of Butt-Kicker-in-Chief of the Combined Defense Forces. Jones Dimpel-T'shad is packing up the election materials and dreading the next national elections in two years. The people of Yerbouti are waiting for the other shoe to fall.
The big news is the fall of the Crazy Colonel, H'wakhy K'Dhaffy, in the country to the north. Although locals are still reporting that they occasionally see him wandering the desert seeking shelter and food in exchange for some little green books, the international rumor is that he was offed by his own people who finally got tired of his shenanigans. So much for the policy of "dar dar, bait, bait, zenga, zenga." Yerbouti is expecting much more peaceful relations with the new government now. Unless another bunch of zanies takes over.
The renovation of Yerbouti's heavy military equipment is complete and made its debut in training manuevers in the desert, doubling as protective patrols. The World War II-era vehicles were dredged up from the bowels of the fabled Warehouse 51 located at Fort Don'wannagohdeh where they had been mothballed by the French colonial army who knows how long ago. The equipment was restored to combat readiness with the help of Honest Abdul's General Goods and Military Surplus, located in the Sultanate of Ifat. General Aygotcha stated that "we appreciate the help of the government of Ifat expediting the exportation of various parts for our military hardware to help us prepare ourselves against enemies foreign and domestic. So you countries eyeballing our beautiful lands better watch yourselves. Or else." Next up, the equipment will be repainted as soon as it returns from maneuvers.
*** BREAKING NEWS ***
This just in: President Jujubee Shakerattl'n'roll has returned from his retreat to the wilderness where he was seeking a vision of the future of our grand country. We didn't even know he was gone. Still in a trance-like state, the president mumbled to our reporter, "The leopard has been killed. The lemurs are playing in the trees. The lion will eat the gazelle." OK. We're not sure what any of that means, but it's obviously going to be interesting around here for a while.
Coming at you from Wacca Jawacca, it's 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?'.
The big news is the fall of the Crazy Colonel, H'wakhy K'Dhaffy, in the country to the north. Although locals are still reporting that they occasionally see him wandering the desert seeking shelter and food in exchange for some little green books, the international rumor is that he was offed by his own people who finally got tired of his shenanigans. So much for the policy of "dar dar, bait, bait, zenga, zenga." Yerbouti is expecting much more peaceful relations with the new government now. Unless another bunch of zanies takes over.
The renovation of Yerbouti's heavy military equipment is complete and made its debut in training manuevers in the desert, doubling as protective patrols. The World War II-era vehicles were dredged up from the bowels of the fabled Warehouse 51 located at Fort Don'wannagohdeh where they had been mothballed by the French colonial army who knows how long ago. The equipment was restored to combat readiness with the help of Honest Abdul's General Goods and Military Surplus, located in the Sultanate of Ifat. General Aygotcha stated that "we appreciate the help of the government of Ifat expediting the exportation of various parts for our military hardware to help us prepare ourselves against enemies foreign and domestic. So you countries eyeballing our beautiful lands better watch yourselves. Or else." Next up, the equipment will be repainted as soon as it returns from maneuvers.
The section sergeant reports in after arriving on station in the
borderland where the desert meets the savanah.
The early morning patrol gets underway.
Two soldiers depart their armored personnel carrier.
The Kathy Lee Sweatshop Project is running right on schedule and will shortly be ready to open its doors to Yerbouti's workers, producers of high quality goods for export. The building itself is almost finished and the company is simply awaiting the latest-model sewing machines it ordered from the Democratic People's Republic of Korea and the fabric to get the workers started in production. Applications are now being taken. Please apply in person. Foreigners need not apply. Finance Minister Shomy da'Muny believes this project and its spin-offs will triple or even quadruple the miserable economy of Yerbouti.
An example of the modern sewing machines
ordered from the Democratic People's Republic of
Korea. Picture from an informational brochure.
This just in: President Jujubee Shakerattl'n'roll has returned from his retreat to the wilderness where he was seeking a vision of the future of our grand country. We didn't even know he was gone. Still in a trance-like state, the president mumbled to our reporter, "The leopard has been killed. The lemurs are playing in the trees. The lion will eat the gazelle." OK. We're not sure what any of that means, but it's obviously going to be interesting around here for a while.
Coming at you from Wacca Jawacca, it's 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?'.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Election Results Released
That's right - you read it here first! The results of Yerbouti's first national democratic election has been released by the government. Jones Dimpel-T'shad, Manager of Election Services is breathing a sigh of relief. The elections are over and have come off without a hitch, despite the threats from various fringe elements to wreak havoc on the day of the elections. Interim President General Charles Robert Aygotcha congratulated Mr. Dimpel-T'shad on his success and is looking forward to turning over national authority to the rightful president of Yerbouti in a change of power ceremony in the coming month which will also see the swearing in of the new Parliament. And now, the long awaited results showing the party, % of popular vote, seats won in Parliament and a reminder of their primary platform:
Colonial Party: 21.26%, 11 seats (seeks a return of French colonization)
Good Juju Party: 22.71%, the winners of the election, 11 seats (seeks the
leadership and wisdom of Jujubee Shakerattl'n'roll, a tribal medicine man in
the southeastern provinces)
Hezeb al-Neby: 4.83%, 2 seats (seeks an Islamic state and the Sharia)
Kathy Lee Party: 13.04%, 7 seats (seeks the presidency of Kathy Lee Gifford)
Labor Party: 7.25%, 4 seats (as there will soon be labor in Yerbouti, seeks to jump on the band wagon)
Loyalist Party: 6.76%, 3 seats (seeks to return the pre-Civil War regime to the presidency)
Nationalist Party: 10.14%, 5 seats (seeks to keep General Aygotcha in the presidency)
Tribal Party: 14.01%, 7 seats (seeks the end of governmental authority and the return to tribal leadership)
In the form of a brief analysis, even though the Good Juju Party has a plurality, it does not hold a majority of seats and will have to form coalitions with other parties to accomplish pretty much anything in Parliament. While they will receive considerable support from the Tribal Party, this support still does not give them a majority and it is commonly supposed that the more established (such as they are) parties will be cautious to combine with them as they are most definitely a regional party focused on their own interests.
The victory of the Good Juju Party was something of a shock to the national system. Most analysts considered General Aygotcha a shoo-in, though some foresaw tough competition from Kathy Lee, who, by the way, has not been heard from since her nomination to the presidency although construction of the sweatshop which will be producing her clothing lines for American consumers continues on schedule in the outskirts of the national capitol, Wacca Jawacca.
For his part, General Aygotcha is happy to be returning to his rightful role as Big Daddy of the Yerbouti Combined Defense Forces. While appreciative of the support of the Nationalist Party, he is more at home with his troops than in the big city of Wacca Jawacca. "Yerbouti needed a strong man to get them over this hump, but can now revert to civilian authority and the leadership of a crazy man. Fortunately, I will remain at my post as Head Honcho of the CDF and will be here to pick up the pieces next time as well," our microphones caught General Aygotcha telling his supporters off camera at a post election rally.
When asked for comment the Good Juju responded, "Let the good times roll!" And good times there are in Yerbouti's future as jobs and trade will begin to flow and the country profits from its global connections.
In other news, the Sultanate of Ifat has announced that it is sponsoring the training of Bongolesian rebels by a Russian officer. We sense that this does not bode well for Bongolesia, the Sultanate of Ifat or the rebels!
This is "What's Happening in Yerbouit?" signing off until next time. Coming at ya from Wacca Jawacca.
Colonial Party: 21.26%, 11 seats (seeks a return of French colonization)
Good Juju Party: 22.71%, the winners of the election, 11 seats (seeks the
leadership and wisdom of Jujubee Shakerattl'n'roll, a tribal medicine man in
the southeastern provinces)
Hezeb al-Neby: 4.83%, 2 seats (seeks an Islamic state and the Sharia)
Kathy Lee Party: 13.04%, 7 seats (seeks the presidency of Kathy Lee Gifford)
Labor Party: 7.25%, 4 seats (as there will soon be labor in Yerbouti, seeks to jump on the band wagon)
Loyalist Party: 6.76%, 3 seats (seeks to return the pre-Civil War regime to the presidency)
Nationalist Party: 10.14%, 5 seats (seeks to keep General Aygotcha in the presidency)
Tribal Party: 14.01%, 7 seats (seeks the end of governmental authority and the return to tribal leadership)
In the form of a brief analysis, even though the Good Juju Party has a plurality, it does not hold a majority of seats and will have to form coalitions with other parties to accomplish pretty much anything in Parliament. While they will receive considerable support from the Tribal Party, this support still does not give them a majority and it is commonly supposed that the more established (such as they are) parties will be cautious to combine with them as they are most definitely a regional party focused on their own interests.
The victory of the Good Juju Party was something of a shock to the national system. Most analysts considered General Aygotcha a shoo-in, though some foresaw tough competition from Kathy Lee, who, by the way, has not been heard from since her nomination to the presidency although construction of the sweatshop which will be producing her clothing lines for American consumers continues on schedule in the outskirts of the national capitol, Wacca Jawacca.
For his part, General Aygotcha is happy to be returning to his rightful role as Big Daddy of the Yerbouti Combined Defense Forces. While appreciative of the support of the Nationalist Party, he is more at home with his troops than in the big city of Wacca Jawacca. "Yerbouti needed a strong man to get them over this hump, but can now revert to civilian authority and the leadership of a crazy man. Fortunately, I will remain at my post as Head Honcho of the CDF and will be here to pick up the pieces next time as well," our microphones caught General Aygotcha telling his supporters off camera at a post election rally.
When asked for comment the Good Juju responded, "Let the good times roll!" And good times there are in Yerbouti's future as jobs and trade will begin to flow and the country profits from its global connections.
In other news, the Sultanate of Ifat has announced that it is sponsoring the training of Bongolesian rebels by a Russian officer. We sense that this does not bode well for Bongolesia, the Sultanate of Ifat or the rebels!
This is "What's Happening in Yerbouit?" signing off until next time. Coming at ya from Wacca Jawacca.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Elections Successfully Completed!
Editor's Note: We apologize for the delay in the elections. It seems that Jones Dimpel-T'shad, Manager of Election Services, was so busy teaching our citizens about democracy that he forgot to ensure that the ballots and ballot boxes were in place. He received a stern talking to from Interim President Robert Aygotcha.
Aryn al-Ibn Aawa: The national elections came off without a hitch this week, and without the wholly unexpected violence that usually accompanies these sorts of things in this part of the world.
The Carter Center agree that it was an unusually successful third-world election. Robert Kransninski, graduate student in political science at the University of California - Berkeley and Carter Center observer, reported having a wonderful time assisting with the Yerbouti elections. He described the residents as "polite, friendly and very helpful." He was especially impressed with the sincerity of the Yerboutians and their desire to hold secure elections. Robert, who spent the day in the northern village of Aryn al-Ibn Aawa, told us that "Throughout the day, armed men guarded the polling place from danger and even escorted residents to the polls to ensure their safety. I have never seen anything like it. Yerbouti is the best!"
Aryn al-Ibn Aawa: The national elections came off without a hitch this week, and without the wholly unexpected violence that usually accompanies these sorts of things in this part of the world.
The Carter Center agree that it was an unusually successful third-world election. Robert Kransninski, graduate student in political science at the University of California - Berkeley and Carter Center observer, reported having a wonderful time assisting with the Yerbouti elections. He described the residents as "polite, friendly and very helpful." He was especially impressed with the sincerity of the Yerboutians and their desire to hold secure elections. Robert, who spent the day in the northern village of Aryn al-Ibn Aawa, told us that "Throughout the day, armed men guarded the polling place from danger and even escorted residents to the polls to ensure their safety. I have never seen anything like it. Yerbouti is the best!"
Robert was kind enough to snap pictures of the election in
Aryn al-Ibn Aawa for us. Here, armed men are ensuring the
safety of local residents as they are escorted to the polls.
We have to agree. Yerbouti is the best!
The election results are still being tabulated and will not be released for some days. But locally, we were amazed to learn that Hezeb al-Neby received 100% of the vote here in Aryn al-Ibn Aawa. The people seem to be of one mind in this remote desert village.
Stay tuned for your election results. We are all waiting with baited breath. Who will lead Yerbouti into the future? We don't know yet.
This has been just one more edition of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?' coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.
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