WACCA JAWACCA: We are receiving unsubstantiated reports that elements of the French Foreign Legion are patroling areas of Yerbouti unsupported by either Yerbouti's officer candidate or recruit trainees. Neither FFL representatives nor the CDFY will comment on these reports. Where they are operating - if they are operating - and what they are doing no one knows.
His Excellency, President-for-Life P'hat Daddee B'wonah of Bongolesia expressed concern that France was trying to reestablish dominion over our fair country, referring to the French Legionaires as "possible hooligan mercenaries". While we appreciate His Excellency's concern, Colonel Gnu Gobangbang, interim chief of the Combined Defense Forces, assured us that Yerbouti has a very strict understanding with France regarding the deployment of the Foreign Legion to our pristine land. In fact, they have already dealt with some of the foreign military intervention which was not invited to Yerbouti following the civil war. "And if [the Foreign Legion doesn't] leave when it's time to go, we will throw them out, too," he added, sending a stern warning to our French partners.
Apparently having the Foreign Legion on the prowl has quieted things down a bit in the outlying regions and there has been no more food thievery recently. On the other hand, the restoration of peace and quiet hasn't helped the economic situation, with the pokah t'ship having dropped to 1/4 of an American cent and holding. However, with the decline of the pokah t'ship, negotiations with Kathy Lee Gifford to establish a sweatshop to produce her fashion line in the capital, Wacca Jawacca, were brought to a successful conclusion and work will soon begin on construction of the factory and training of the workers. Details of the plan were leaked and indicate that the common workers will be paid 2 t'ships a day, with a bonus for those who exceed quotas on a regular basis - giving the lucky few who will be hired there double the annual income of the average Yerboutian laborer.
Yerboutians everywhere are gearing up for the first national elections in . . . so long that we don't know when they were last held. In the frontier village of Fruta Dalume, Mag'wannah responded with "What are elections?" when asked if he was excited by the upcoming event, which will be accompanied by a national holiday. Camilla asked "What is a holiday?" At last count there were at least eight political parties registered with the election commission, and the Carter Center was contracted to oversee the balloting, thus ensuring fairness for all.
Coming at you from Wacca Jawacca, this has been another installment of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?'.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Will Yerbouti Be Exploited?
WACCA JAWACCA: In breaking news, Colonel Gnu Gobangbang, interim chief of the Combined Defense Forces of Yerbouti has released photographs of officer candidates on patrol with their French Foreign Legion trainers. Spirits are high as they trudge through the sands of the desert, grasses of the savannah and forest of the forest helping to secure their country and countrymen from the recent wave of violence that has threatened Yerbouti, and learning on the job at the same time.
The neat lines of the patrol strung out in the desert waste.
Two of our officer candidates on patrol.
"The men of the CDF are excited to do exercises while contributing to the overall security of their homeland," explained Major Claude Roquefort, commander of the FFL troops in Yerbouti. "And I even believe they would fight if they had to," he added hopefully. "Of course they would fight," Interim President General Robert Aygotcha interjected. "If they don't, the sissy girlie-men will not like the consequences. Death in battle would be preferable."
In other news, Ai'tok U'lisn, Yerbouti's Foreign Minister, revealed that the government has entered into negotiations with the United States and Great Britain for a geologic survey team to explore Yerbouti for any mineral wealth that might be used to boost its economy. The team is expected to begin its survey in the next several months. A foreign scientist involved in the negotiations confided, "If we can find a way to exploit Yerbouti, we will."
This has been another update from "What's Happening in Yerbouti?" coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Another Mixed Week for Yerbouti
WACCA JAWACCA - With the exception of a couple of incidents this week, quiet has once again fallen over our pristine country. In the north, gunmen are becoming more brazen in their attempts to get to food supplies. A repeat of the previous daylight heist of food stores occurred this week along with a failed attempt to hijack a UN convoy. The convoy was unguarded, but the gunmen were obviously beginners and simply stopped the convoy on the road rather than building a barricade to block it. When he realized what was happening, the convoy master simply sped away from the gunmen followed by his trucks of food. Interim President General Aygotcha was so angered by this brazenness he almost spluttered when he threatened, "Just wait until my army is once again trained and up to top notch performance. Then we will see who gets the beans around here!" The military commander of the UN peacekeeping force stated that perhaps his forces should occasionally accompany the food convoys for safekeeping.
We have received information this week that the CDF's Foreign Legion trainers have begun taking their trainees on patrols in the countryside to teach them real world operations and tactics. Are these strictly training missions? Or are they a preemptive attempt to keep control of Yerbouti's peacefulness?
With the rise in food thievery and the attendant threat of violence, Finance Minister Shomy da'Muny sadly announced that the pokah t'ship, Yerbouti's official currency, has dropped to 3/8 of an American cent in international trading. "Now we won't be able to buy so much," he solemnly informed his countrymen.
There is good news just around the corner, however. Trade Minister Maik'n S'toff announced today that the government is in talks with Kathy Lee Gifford to open a sweat shop in Yerbouti's capital, Wacca Jawacca. "Soon we will have many good jobs for our people," Minister S'toff proudly told the audience. "It will be the first factory of its kind in Yerbouti. Or of any kind, for that matter."
When we caught up with Kathy Lee, she told us, "When I heard how poor the people of Yerbouti were, I knew that I had to do something to help just like I helped the people of Honduras. And Yerbouti is even less expensive than Central America!"
This has been another enlightening installment of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?' coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.
We have received information this week that the CDF's Foreign Legion trainers have begun taking their trainees on patrols in the countryside to teach them real world operations and tactics. Are these strictly training missions? Or are they a preemptive attempt to keep control of Yerbouti's peacefulness?
With the rise in food thievery and the attendant threat of violence, Finance Minister Shomy da'Muny sadly announced that the pokah t'ship, Yerbouti's official currency, has dropped to 3/8 of an American cent in international trading. "Now we won't be able to buy so much," he solemnly informed his countrymen.
There is good news just around the corner, however. Trade Minister Maik'n S'toff announced today that the government is in talks with Kathy Lee Gifford to open a sweat shop in Yerbouti's capital, Wacca Jawacca. "Soon we will have many good jobs for our people," Minister S'toff proudly told the audience. "It will be the first factory of its kind in Yerbouti. Or of any kind, for that matter."
Ms. Gifford speaking with our reporter in New York City
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Trouble Brewing in Yerbouti
ARADIB BOOBOO: Yerbouti was shaken Wednesday by an earthquake. Centered in the Sultanate of Ifat, the 6.57 earthquake could be felt for quite a distance. Here in Aradib Booboo, located 250 kilometers east of the capital Wacca Jawacca, resident M'gari said, "Earthquake? We thought it was from eating the chicken gombo leftover from the community dinner last night." The locals were relieved to learn it wasn't the chicken gombo leftovers. We wish the best for our friends in Ifat. Perhaps they would like some leftover chicken gombo.
In Wacca Jawacca, this week Interim President General Robert Aygotcha announced that elections would be held in early September. The elections will include the presidency and all fifty seats, currently vacant, in the House of Government, Yerbouti's parliament. The fifty seats cover Yerbouti's twenty-one governmental regions, with two or three representatives per region. General Aygotcha also announced that he will not run for any position, president or otherwise, in the elections, and that he is looking forward to returning to his rightful position as big kahuna of the CDF.
Hezeb al-Neby quickly declared its intention to field candidates for the elections on a platform of creating an Islamic state and instituting Sharia. A number of other parties likewise declared their intention to field candidates as well, each with their own pet platforms. Other parties are in the process of forming and still have three weeks to declare before the ballots are finalized. Interim President Aygotcha demanded of any parties desiring to enter the election that there will be no monkey business and promised "or else!". He has also arranged for the Carter Center to observe the elections to ensure fairness and accuracy, an important consideration since many of the political parties are forming militas to back up their platforms.
In a masterful coup of journalistic reporting, 'WHiY?' has managed to discover who is responsible for training the officer candidates and recruits for the CDFY at Fort Don'wannagohdeh. While working on another story, our reporter was able to surreptitiously snap this picture of a trooper from the French Foreign Legion conducting an exercise with Yerboutian trainees.
We knew it had to be an outside source training the CDF but could not have guessed who. We have not seen the Foreign Legion in Yerbouti for many, many years but we are glad to see them here again, training our soldiers. We know they will provide good solid training that will stand the CDF in good stead for years to come. As long as we have good solid men to be trained. Then again, the training might not last so long after all.
Elsewhere, we have recently begun hearing stories of food thievery in outlying villages. At first, it was men sneaking into villages at night to try to pilfer a bag of rice or beans here and there. But in the most recent incident reported to us, a truck with armed men drove into a desert village in broad daylight and took most of the food stores that the UN humanitarian mission had supplied to the village. We find it appalling that such a thing could happen in Yerbouti. These could only have been mischief makers from the country to the north of us or from Bamabar. No Yerbouitian would do such a thing to his own people. Interim President Aygotcha promised immedate action to protect the people of Yerbouti from such thievery as soon as he has a functioning army again.
This has been the latest news from 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?' coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.
In Wacca Jawacca, this week Interim President General Robert Aygotcha announced that elections would be held in early September. The elections will include the presidency and all fifty seats, currently vacant, in the House of Government, Yerbouti's parliament. The fifty seats cover Yerbouti's twenty-one governmental regions, with two or three representatives per region. General Aygotcha also announced that he will not run for any position, president or otherwise, in the elections, and that he is looking forward to returning to his rightful position as big kahuna of the CDF.
Hezeb al-Neby quickly declared its intention to field candidates for the elections on a platform of creating an Islamic state and instituting Sharia. A number of other parties likewise declared their intention to field candidates as well, each with their own pet platforms. Other parties are in the process of forming and still have three weeks to declare before the ballots are finalized. Interim President Aygotcha demanded of any parties desiring to enter the election that there will be no monkey business and promised "or else!". He has also arranged for the Carter Center to observe the elections to ensure fairness and accuracy, an important consideration since many of the political parties are forming militas to back up their platforms.
In a masterful coup of journalistic reporting, 'WHiY?' has managed to discover who is responsible for training the officer candidates and recruits for the CDFY at Fort Don'wannagohdeh. While working on another story, our reporter was able to surreptitiously snap this picture of a trooper from the French Foreign Legion conducting an exercise with Yerboutian trainees.
A Legionnaire training Yerbouti's officer candidates
We knew it had to be an outside source training the CDF but could not have guessed who. We have not seen the Foreign Legion in Yerbouti for many, many years but we are glad to see them here again, training our soldiers. We know they will provide good solid training that will stand the CDF in good stead for years to come. As long as we have good solid men to be trained. Then again, the training might not last so long after all.
Elsewhere, we have recently begun hearing stories of food thievery in outlying villages. At first, it was men sneaking into villages at night to try to pilfer a bag of rice or beans here and there. But in the most recent incident reported to us, a truck with armed men drove into a desert village in broad daylight and took most of the food stores that the UN humanitarian mission had supplied to the village. We find it appalling that such a thing could happen in Yerbouti. These could only have been mischief makers from the country to the north of us or from Bamabar. No Yerbouitian would do such a thing to his own people. Interim President Aygotcha promised immedate action to protect the people of Yerbouti from such thievery as soon as he has a functioning army again.
This has been the latest news from 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?' coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
**WHiY? SPECIAL EDITION: The Geography of Yerbouti**
The country of Yerbouti is shaped roughly like a short, fat clown standing on his head, and tipping to the right a bit. The country still retains roughly the same borders assigned to the French at the Berlin Conference in 1884 when the map of Africa was divided between the Europeans powers. Split up with no consideration given to the cultural topography of the area, the country encompasses Arabs, dozens of native tribes, and (nowadays, at least) westernized Africans. Languages spoken include Arabic, French, English and twenty or so native dialects. Fortunately, though the country suffers from a particularly low literacy rate, most of its residents speak at least three languages so there is rarely a language barrier to hinder what trade there is.
Yerbouti is bordered by five countries. The most important is the country to the north ruled by that crazy colonel, H'wakhy K'dhaffy. Although the colonel has his hands full at the moment, he is always a threat to his neighbors and by-products of the problems there are always likely to spill over into nearby lands. To its west, Yerbouti adjoins Ipekakya, which is economically, politically and socially stable and contains, for a change, no major (or minor) threats to Yerbouti. Ipekakya tries to be a good neighbor to its less fortunate friend, and it was Ipekakya that allowed the UN to stage relief convoys in its territory following the civil war. To the southwest is another of its most important neighbors, the Republique du Moz, which, though fairly stable economically, harbors certain elements that no country wants to see invade its borders. The Black Water River and the swamps which share the same name separate the Republique du Moz from Yerbouti, but trouble always seems to find its way across this forbidding waterway. The exact border through the waterway between these two countries is a continuing source of contention. To the southeast we find Goannaland. Goannaland has had a troubled history and finds itself in the midst of rebellion, revolution or civil war every 10 years or so on average. Bamabar, Yerbouti's neighbor to the east, is likewise a poor country, poorer even that Yerbouti. Politically, economically and socially it is in complete chaos most of the time and so busy dealing with its own problems that it is of little consequence (at the moment at least) to Yerbouti, except for the occasional groups of refugees that find their way to Yerbouti's borders. Most of the potential refugees came to realize during the civil war that Yerbouti was worse off than their own country in some ways and avoided it like the plague it was. Now that the civil war has ended and prosperity, such as it is, has returned, so will the refugees, we are sure.
Yerbouti can be divided into three distinct bands. The northern third lies in the Sahara (which, by the way, is Arabic for 'desert' so it's redundant to call it the Sahara Desert - that would be like calling it the 'Desert Desert'). In this region, farming and herding is minimal, and found only in the occasional oasis where natural springs rise to the surface and provide life sustaining water for the desert dwellers. This area does harbor approximately 1/4 of the country's population, mostly made up of Muslim Arabs. Below that, the middle third is grassland dotted with occasional stands of trees. Here there is a good bit of farming and ranching, supporting about 3/8 of the population. In this region, most of the inhabitants still live in their traditional tribes and follow their ancient animist ways, though some Christians and Muslims live among them. The southern third of the country is forested and likewise contains about 3/8 of the population, mostly Christians, some live in tribal villages while others have adopted the modern life of the the city and regional centers. There is a fair amount of agriculture and ranching in this region as well. As can be seen, these geographic regions also serve to roughly define the cultural regions of the country.
The east central portion of the country is located in high plateau, which slopes gradually down in all directions forming, at its lowest point, the Black Water Valley. A few tributaries of varying sizes feed the Black Water River from Yerbouti's side, but only one extends as far as the grasslands, and none to the desert north. There are no mountains to speak of, but rolling hills do serve to break up the monotony of the landscape, and in the north central part of the country there is an odd topography created eons ago when rushing water cut meandering channels into the landform which remain to this day, forming a sort of rocky badlands region.
Wacca Jawacca, the capital of Yerbouti, is located between the grassland and forested regions in the western half of the country on the Ray'nbo River, a tributary of the Black Water River. Wacca Jawacca is the only locale that could be considered a modern city by any stretch of the imagination. It created untold excitement in the country when the first - well, only - stoplight was installed, and sightseers from the surrounding villages still stop to gawk at the flashing light when travelling to the big market in the city square. There is a small handful of towns that have risen to the level of regional centers where government services can be obtained, but these in no way rival Wacca Jawacca. In essence, aside from the capital virtually all population centers in Yerbouti could be considered little more than villages by western standards, and even Wacca Jawacca is little more than a town to most westerners.
As noted elsewhere, the economy is subsistence agriculture with a small surplus for trade. Cattle and goats are herded for their meat, hides and milk. Herds tend to the small size. Honey bees are kept in most villages. An abundance of vegetables are farmed in most villages as well. Yerbouti has no cash crops, though there is some small scale farming of cotton strictly for local use. What industry there is is cottage industry. The official currency is the pokah t'ship, currently worth about 5/8 of an American cent in international trading, and the average household in Yerbouti earns about 250 t'ships per year. The surplus of veggies and other small crops are generally sold to neighboring countries to earn the country its limited budget, most of which goes to the military and to paying government employees. Despite the small population - or perhaps because of it - a significant percentage of the population works for the government in some capacity.
We hope that this special edition of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?' has given our readers some more insight into our beautiful, pristine homeland. We will cover Yerbouti's history and mixed culture in future special editions. We love Yerbouti and hope you will too when you get to know us. Coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.
Yerbouti is bordered by five countries. The most important is the country to the north ruled by that crazy colonel, H'wakhy K'dhaffy. Although the colonel has his hands full at the moment, he is always a threat to his neighbors and by-products of the problems there are always likely to spill over into nearby lands. To its west, Yerbouti adjoins Ipekakya, which is economically, politically and socially stable and contains, for a change, no major (or minor) threats to Yerbouti. Ipekakya tries to be a good neighbor to its less fortunate friend, and it was Ipekakya that allowed the UN to stage relief convoys in its territory following the civil war. To the southwest is another of its most important neighbors, the Republique du Moz, which, though fairly stable economically, harbors certain elements that no country wants to see invade its borders. The Black Water River and the swamps which share the same name separate the Republique du Moz from Yerbouti, but trouble always seems to find its way across this forbidding waterway. The exact border through the waterway between these two countries is a continuing source of contention. To the southeast we find Goannaland. Goannaland has had a troubled history and finds itself in the midst of rebellion, revolution or civil war every 10 years or so on average. Bamabar, Yerbouti's neighbor to the east, is likewise a poor country, poorer even that Yerbouti. Politically, economically and socially it is in complete chaos most of the time and so busy dealing with its own problems that it is of little consequence (at the moment at least) to Yerbouti, except for the occasional groups of refugees that find their way to Yerbouti's borders. Most of the potential refugees came to realize during the civil war that Yerbouti was worse off than their own country in some ways and avoided it like the plague it was. Now that the civil war has ended and prosperity, such as it is, has returned, so will the refugees, we are sure.
Yerbouti can be divided into three distinct bands. The northern third lies in the Sahara (which, by the way, is Arabic for 'desert' so it's redundant to call it the Sahara Desert - that would be like calling it the 'Desert Desert'). In this region, farming and herding is minimal, and found only in the occasional oasis where natural springs rise to the surface and provide life sustaining water for the desert dwellers. This area does harbor approximately 1/4 of the country's population, mostly made up of Muslim Arabs. Below that, the middle third is grassland dotted with occasional stands of trees. Here there is a good bit of farming and ranching, supporting about 3/8 of the population. In this region, most of the inhabitants still live in their traditional tribes and follow their ancient animist ways, though some Christians and Muslims live among them. The southern third of the country is forested and likewise contains about 3/8 of the population, mostly Christians, some live in tribal villages while others have adopted the modern life of the the city and regional centers. There is a fair amount of agriculture and ranching in this region as well. As can be seen, these geographic regions also serve to roughly define the cultural regions of the country.
The east central portion of the country is located in high plateau, which slopes gradually down in all directions forming, at its lowest point, the Black Water Valley. A few tributaries of varying sizes feed the Black Water River from Yerbouti's side, but only one extends as far as the grasslands, and none to the desert north. There are no mountains to speak of, but rolling hills do serve to break up the monotony of the landscape, and in the north central part of the country there is an odd topography created eons ago when rushing water cut meandering channels into the landform which remain to this day, forming a sort of rocky badlands region.
Wacca Jawacca, the capital of Yerbouti, is located between the grassland and forested regions in the western half of the country on the Ray'nbo River, a tributary of the Black Water River. Wacca Jawacca is the only locale that could be considered a modern city by any stretch of the imagination. It created untold excitement in the country when the first - well, only - stoplight was installed, and sightseers from the surrounding villages still stop to gawk at the flashing light when travelling to the big market in the city square. There is a small handful of towns that have risen to the level of regional centers where government services can be obtained, but these in no way rival Wacca Jawacca. In essence, aside from the capital virtually all population centers in Yerbouti could be considered little more than villages by western standards, and even Wacca Jawacca is little more than a town to most westerners.
As noted elsewhere, the economy is subsistence agriculture with a small surplus for trade. Cattle and goats are herded for their meat, hides and milk. Herds tend to the small size. Honey bees are kept in most villages. An abundance of vegetables are farmed in most villages as well. Yerbouti has no cash crops, though there is some small scale farming of cotton strictly for local use. What industry there is is cottage industry. The official currency is the pokah t'ship, currently worth about 5/8 of an American cent in international trading, and the average household in Yerbouti earns about 250 t'ships per year. The surplus of veggies and other small crops are generally sold to neighboring countries to earn the country its limited budget, most of which goes to the military and to paying government employees. Despite the small population - or perhaps because of it - a significant percentage of the population works for the government in some capacity.
We hope that this special edition of 'What's Happening in Yerbouti?' has given our readers some more insight into our beautiful, pristine homeland. We will cover Yerbouti's history and mixed culture in future special editions. We love Yerbouti and hope you will too when you get to know us. Coming at you from Wacca Jawacca.
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